3 oh 3....can it be??? Yep she's 3!!!!!!

I look at you and just can't believe my eyes....you are not the little baby that I held in my arms anymore.  You are now a little girl, a little princess and I couldn't be more happy to have you in my life.  You my dear bug have made my life so full of love and light!!!  You have inadvertently made me a much better person and I know I will just continue to learn from you!!

There are now words that can describe the feeling of finding out that I finally had a chance to be a mother.  In just a few short three years, we have had a ton of downs and even more ups than I could have ever possibly imagined.  You have been the best trooper in dealing with all of the changes and you just rolled with it!  You are such an amazing little girl, sometimes I think you are much more than your short three years.  I see such knowledge and soul in those big beautiful brown eyes of yours.  You are so much like your grandmother, she would be just over the moon with you bug!!!  

There is not many people you have not touched and who have not fallen in love with you.  You are truly a diamond in the rough!  You are my Hakuna Matata(this is for your uncle Jason!)  I know as each year goes by you will be come so much more and grow to really make a difference not only in your life but most definitely mine.  

I hope you had a wonderful birthday my heart!!!!  I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond!

A Humbling Time for Me

So it's Christmas time and the hustle and bustle are never at a snail's pace. Everyone is hunting, pecking and even running down others for that perfect gift for that perfect someone. There are also those who have a much harder time getting those perfect gifts for their perfect someone. This is the one thing I struggle with the most, especially now. I'm a mom. I never quite understood when my mother would give me that look for not being able to give me all I wanted each year for my birthday and Christmas.

Yes, being young we have no concept of money or finances or really anything. Normally if it could have been purchased, it was. There would be no reason that we, as children, would really know of the hardships our parents had to endure when it came to those special times of the year when for just a brief moment, we reigned! I have been having an internal battle within myself as each year passes along and my little one grows older. This year is going to be a lot of fun for her. But not so much for me. I know I have talked about this with a couple of people and the fact of the matter is that I am not ungrateful as your look says. I am beyond grateful and very humbled to have so many people out there wanting to help my little have the best day ever. I cannot even begin to thank you enough!!!! That being said, this next bit is even harder to say and probably just as hard or that much more difficult to read.

I will never be ungrateful, I will never feel I'm owed or my daughter is owed and I will never, ever expect the help that I've been given. I am and honestly feel truly blessed!! I just need for some to understand that though you are helping make the best day ever, it makes me feel more inferior by the year. I don't expect you to understand on first reading but take just a brief moment to try and understand where I'm coming from. I had a conversation with someone that I value their opinion as they have been good at helping me the balance in my very crazy and self-assisting mind. I feel that there are just certain things or events that the parent should do whatever it takes to make it a fantastic day. I don't ask what people get for my mini just to see or compare, I ask because I'm her mother and maybe, just maybe I wanted to give her that gift. Or that trip. Or that toy. The joy of seeing your child's face light up when you have given them the one or few things they have always wanted or have been a constant on their minds, it is better than anything in this world!!! In a sense, my one moment of glory is kinda snuffed out. That one moment where I can be more than just mom and dad, I'm the best person on the face of the planet!!!

I really don't know why it bothers me so much. Maybe it's my upbringing. My mother always taught me, if you can get it, get it. If you can't, you wait for another time. I don't want for those of you to think I don't want my daughter spoiled. I'm sure I will do my share, it's inevitable. What I'm saying is that I need those moments. It may be pathetic to you and that is perfectly fine for you to think so. Hell, I think so. But I need those moments.

So instead of looking at me like I've lost my damn mind and I am being ungrateful, take a moment, just a moment. Don't you want to shine too?

Despite this blabber, I do wish all of you and my amazing friends the most wonderful holiday season, a Merry Christmas, I hope your Chanukah was amazing, Happy Kwanza(no I really don't celebrate it because I really don't know what it means) and a very happy and healthy New Year!!!!

Oh How I Wish Time Would Slow Down

My little one just had her first "real" Thanksgiving last night.  We had an amazing spread and were with some truly amazing people!!!  While sitting there at the a rather long table, I looked all around at all the families that were there sharing with the great shift at the firestation.  It's not the first time that we've been to the station for a dinner but this year was a tad different.  

There is one of the family that will be leaving us soon, new members coming on board, the littles are getting bigger, smarter and funnier.  Little does my mini understand how important these gatherings are.  True to form, as soon as we got there, the entire station was pulled on a call.  We watched all our boys hope into action and the littles watched the trucks light up and drive off.  Some were thinking it was cool.  A couple didn't want their dads to go.  Mine, she watched her uncle go.

I'm realizing that as each year goes by and my mini is growing into the "too smart for her own good" way, I am wanting to try and have as much of the tradition that most families have.  It's kind of hard when you don't exactly have all the means necessary, but it's great that I do have some pretty special people in our lives that are willing to help me out a bit and also help contribute to our ever changing tradition of being family.  My tiny love bug is almost 3 but this was the first Thanksgiving where she had a pretty good idea of what was going on, sitting with family and being around a lot of love.  Every year will always be different.  I'm working on adding a little something with the norm to always make it special. 

Driving around the day after Thanksgiving at night and seeing some of the Christmas lights that are up was fun.  It's funny, she says that Christmas is her favorite, yet she truly has no idea just how much fun it really is.  Last year, she was scared to open any of her gifts!!  She thought we had lost out minds wanting her to make such a mess of the wrapping paper and packages that everything came in.  I know that this year, she's going to make such a mess....and I will be very happy to clean it up!!  She is one lucky kid.  My little has so many people that love her and just that makes for celebrating anything that more special.  I can't wait to have her wake up and see what I've gotten her, I know one set of grandparents are going to be pulling her in the house for the few bits they'll give her and then off to her favorite aunt and uncle's house to see her best friend/sister and make an even bigger mess!!!!  

I find it very interesting how my perception of the holidays keeps changing as she gets older.  If only I had my mom her to see and be apart of the memory making.  The good thing is that she is definitely not short on family!  As the tiny one grows and changes in her personality and her likes and dislikes, I'm seeing that she is a big holiday person. She loves to see all the decorations and it has actually inspired me to want to decorate our home.  I never really cared to do that and haven't in so long.  I am actually starting from zero and building.  With her.  So that when the time comes, I'll be able to gift her with the wonderful traditions that we have created.

The end of the year is not only the end and the start of renewal, but it's also a good time to take things a bit slower.  Every year I hear the same thing, "I can't believe how quick this year has gone by".  It's true.  Right now we have gotten through one of 3 holidays before the year starts all over again.  Normally, I'm very quick to end the year and move on to the next.  The past couple of years though, I really want them to slow down.  Time is racing by faster than I want that sometimes I feel that I can't keep up.  I'm sure a lot of us feel that way!!!

Take a moment.  Not just now during the end of the year, but as often as you can.  Time races by faster than we want, change is always upon us and we are never prepared for what life throws our way.  Take a moment.  Breath and slow down and truly enjoy the company of not just your loved ones but those who add to your life and the life of those around you.  You are never guaranteed the whole day or even a whole hour.  Live, cherish, love, and slow down.

A Preview of You...Boy How Right I Was!!!

I was going through some old files and file holders and came across some rather interesting items.  I finally found my copy of my birth certificate(thank God!), some cards and correspondence that still holds meaning for me and then the one thing I had completely forgot about.  My letter to you, my crazy, kooky little one. 

I had signed up for a mommy-to-be yoga class and I really should have done more but with I really wasn't able to.  I truly enjoyed the class and even though I was given a small sprout to grow, as you were growing, I unfortunately am not a green thumb like your grandmother and great-grandmother!  In the class, we did lots of poses to help keep us limber and flexible for the upcoming entry of our lovely little bundles of joy!  Also we did some guided meditations which is where the letter comes into play.  Re-reading this brought a smile to my face and brought me back to this very day.  Here's what it said:

What I wish for you is to be strong in mind and spirit.  Take car of you before you take care of anyone else.  Be loving and kind.  Never let those get the best of you.  I want you to be adventurous and curious to learn as much as you can.  I want you to never want for any love, support, nurturing nor care.  You are to know that you are loved and you are wanted.  Stay positive and anything you want will come to you.  It won't be easy but you will not be alone.  I will be with you every step of the way.  I want you to know I feel blessed to have been gifted you.  I love you.  Always and a day.

Then we were asked to list a couple of things that I would hope that you would be born with.  Boy, did I ever hit it on the head!!:  

I want you to be feisty, strong-willed, well-mannered and most of all....your own person.

It really is kind of neat to see how much of something that you just think of actually comes to light once you were born and started growing up.  I do hope that you continue to be feisty, within a measure of your mother's sanity; strong-willed, but also understanding when you need to back down and compromise; well-mannered, you are always a pleasure to be around and I know you will grown into a lovely young lady; and most of all....for you to be your own person.  I wish this most of all and I do hope that over time, you are able to conquer any setbacks or possible persuasion that you will come across in life.  It matters not what others think of you.  It only matters what and how you think and carry yourself.  If you can remember that, then you will have conquered half of what life is.

This is not the life I mapped out...but it's good!!!!

This little girl is my sanity as young as she is, she knows this very well! Yesterday I was venting to one of my best friends and what does this cheeky little monkey do? She covers my mouth and says....shhhh! Can you believe it??? My kid told me to hush!!! Sadly, she was right. Even though I was just venting and needing to talk to someone about what has been bothering me, she knew there was a point that I needed to stop. This kid gets me even when I don't get myself LOL!!!!

I don't think, we as parents, give enough credit where credit is due when it comes to our children. They may not be able to express exactly what they really mean but what they are try to convey seems to come across quite loud and clear! 

Our children hear what we say, even when we don't want them to hear; they see what is in front of them and they feel what we feel even as we try to protect them. Many times in life we have a game plan and 9 times out of 10 it gets blown through the water. Or maybe that's just my luck LOL So we as parents just pick ourselves up, dust off and come up with a new game plan to keep going forward. I've learned that with kids, there is no time to stop, complain, get mad, stomp around and not deal with it. You have to keep going forward no matter what! All of us as parents have a plan, or some idea of what we are trying to accomplish, set out in front of us. For most, it works the way we want. For others, not so much and that is where you have to kick it up a notch and chug even harder forward. You can't stop, it's not an option.

One of the things that I have learned from having my daughter is that there is never, ever a guarantee that life will be okay. It will be a ton of ups and downs, sideways and twists and turns. I thought I was emotional enough on my own, but you add someone that looks to me as if the sun rises and sets in me and that's a lot of damn pressure that I really wasn't prepared for. But I have no choice, I have to be prepared and try not to let her down. Now here is the the really crappy time for parents. Feeling as if you let your kid(s) down because of life changing all the time. I have learned, even before I had mine, that kids are resilient. More resilient than we give them credit for. Just because they haven't reached all of life's lessons at the time they start teaching us lessons, does not mean we shouldn't take direction from them. We never want our kids to suffer for anything but sometimes you have to take a step back, regroup, refocus and move forward. The key here is keep moving forward and never stop. They depend on us!!

When life throws whatever proverbial fruit in your direction, remember.....don't duck! Catch the fruit, get your kid(s), talk about the changes that are happening and make some fruit juice!!!! And maybe add a touch of tolerant liquid just to make it a tad smoother for you!!!

Growing up so fast.....SLOW DOWN!!!!!

How did this happen so quickly to me??? One minute I'm minding my own business...well....sort of....and the next BAM!!!!!! My life gets turned upside down and inside out!!! It's amazing what a little person can do!

You. You were such an amazing surprise and truly a blessing to me. Not only did you fill my heart and life with so much, but you have just spread the love and happiness you have to anyone you meet. You were so tiny and squeaky and you terrified me to no end! I have placed the panic calls to those where were available to calm me down and reassure me that I wouldn't hurt or break you and that the crying, from both of us, is normal. But then this happened....

You started growing up too much right before our eyes!!! My little bug you have become such a delight to have around and to be around, despite your moments of cranky-pants! Who couldn't love you as much as I do? Those eyes of yours have such stories to tell. You my pukin pie have such an old soul to you. I know you would get so irritated with me when I would constantly kiss on you, squeeze you and just love on you to no end! But how can I not? You are just so delicious!!!!! Which brings us to this.......

Look at you know!!! My growing little girl!!! I can't believe how much personality you have and how much you are just like me and how much that just drives me nuts!!!!! You are truly my heart, I still can't believe that I'm your mommy!!! I love you my precious little turkey face, my little pumpkin pie!!! I couldn't be more proud of you and I am such a lucky mommy to have you in my life!!! 

I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond!!!!

Do Not Fault on the Training!!!

It has reached that time in your sweet little life.....the time to become a big girl and use the potty!!!  YAY!!!! No more diapers, no more soggy hiney, no more crinkly sounds when you walk or run!!  Soon we'll be able to buy those cute little character panties that you keep pointing at when we are in the store!!  Oh that will be such a happy day for mommy!!!!!!  The money that I will save alone will help out tremendously as you continue to grow and grow.  I'll be able to get you a lot of the outfits and jammies that you want and that I would love to see you in.  It will be  a great time in our lives!!!

Little did I know that you seem to like peeing in your diaper and now the traded off pull-ups.  Not what I was hoping.  You always followed me or whomever to the bathroom like it was the great excursion!!  Didn't need to be watched, I can potty all by myself.  I know it's an amazing feat but it's one that you my dear need to grasp.  And rather sooner than later.  So by the advice of previous potty trainers we have begun with the whole "let me know when you have to go", which you never do and the "timing of the potty" which you don't like and feel rushed.  This whole section of toddler life is a bit trying for the mommy.

I know I need to be patient but I love it when you get excited because you actually pee peed in the potty and then I get excited and we high five and everyone is excited!!!!!  Yes your mom is very cheesy!  Just you wait until you get older, you are in for a very rude and extremely cheesy awakening ;)

Here's to the next few months of training.  Wish us luck!!!!

I know that I lose my temper with you....A LOT! It's not that I am angry with you, it's just that I really have not a clue as to what I am doing. I know that you are still very little and still learning, as I am still learning to not be so harsh and demanding. I am having the hardest time doing this with so little direction or  help. Granted, your aunts and uncles are fantastic but as you will learn from me, I hate to have someone do what I need to do. Your grandmother always said to me that you are to do for yourself and never ask for help unless you are truly unable to help yourself. I struggle with this every day little one, to find that balance to help you be the best that you can be and to not be so harsh in raising you. 

I know that the past few weeks have been like a roller coaster for  you. Some days are really good and there are those bad days that we wished would hurry up and go away. I honestly can't thank you enough for being the amazing little girl that you are. I am truly sorry for being so impatient and so demanding of you. I am even more appreciative of you just loving me regardless of mommy still learning how to be a mommy. I will try my best to be more patient, more understanding and less demanding.

Try not to hold it against me ;)

Don't like birthdays, but need to plan one :/

So here's something for you....how do you try to plan a birthday party, a 2nd birthday party, when you can't even stand your own???? I know strange but it's true, ask anyone. I hate celebrating my birthday!!! So how am I supposed to plan a birthday for my one and only? 

I planned a cute party last year and it was a horrible experience! It could have been time of day, time of year, stupid first year shots or just the fact that she didn't want a party. I really couldn't blame her. Anytime I've tried planning something for myself, it would go horribly wrong. Yes, friends have tried to put things together but it just seemed so forced for others to "show" that I would have rather nothing planned at all. 

So my love bug is turning 2. In two weeks. This is not a good thing for this mother. I have no idea what to do, where to have it and who to invite. This little girl gets pretty much what she needs throughout the year and of course her aunt over buys for her. I know she does it because she loves her, but too much LOL!!!

I know I'm going to get backlash for this blog as I have a ton of people who love to celebrate their birthday and even more if it's a kids party. I don't want to be a dud. I want her to always be excited it's her birthday, it's her special day!!!! Of course I want to celebrate the day she made my life more awesome than I can imagine, but I hate birthdays.

This is going to be interesting. 

Parent Rant!!! May upset you and I'm not sorry!!!

What is going on parents?? Especially my moms out there????  I am seeing way too much negativity and even more downing yourself as not only a person but a mother.  Who in the world is making you feel this way??  If it's society, you need to knock that crap off by not listening.  Society has absolutely no business making your decisions for you, about you, or around you.  Society is full of labels, misrepresentations and sadly, lies on what it is to be a person let alone being a mother.  

Your ex?  Unless you are "mother of the year", your ex will do and say whatever to make you feel bad.  That seems to be the text book case with so many.  Fortunately for me, I will never have that.  Sadly, my bug's father could really care less about her.  I say, thank you!!!  Thank you for giving me the ability to have the right people in her life and the right influences.  It saddens me to see so many of my friends having to go through so much just to try and keep a balance in life with work, household and kids.  Hell, I have one and I'm about to curl up in the fetal position and rock myself!!!  I can't imagine what having two or more is like and then on top of that you have to try and keep yourself sane.  Listen my dears, NEVER let anyone take your sparkle!!!  Ladies we need to keep our heads up and keep moving forward!

With that being said I am now going to anger some of you.  I don't care.  My opinion, my blog, my observations.  You don't like it, then don't read.  Plain and simple....

I am seeing too many of my friends and too many random posts on various sites where the mother is seriously questioning her ability of being a good parent.  This truly angers me to no end because most of you that are questioning your parenting skills are absolutely fantastic and honestly who I am going to for help.  If I felt that you are a crappy mom, do you think I would ask you for help with my kid???  Hells to the nah!!!

Another thing that just peeves me to no end, choosing one sibling over another.  You CANNOT do this!!!  By you choosing one of your children over another, you are creating such a disgusting existence between the two.  Your children will grow up with so much animosity not only towards each other, but they will definitely have a lot towards you.  Remember folks, your children are in charge of your care once you become elderly.  Revenge is a bitch!!!

Lastly and most importantly, the mother of all pet peeves for me.....and this involves both parents....using your child as a PAWN!!!!!  This is not Harry Potter where you play Wizards Chess, this is life and you  DO NOT TOY WITH ANOTHER PERSON'S LIFE!!!!!!!!!  What is wrong with you????  Are you that sick and demented that you feel that you need to use your child to get back at the other person?  You are messing with a life.  Plain and simple.  Oh and hey, guess what???  It's not YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!  Once you have a child, yes you get to rear them and guide them, however, it is essentially their life.  I'm sure a lot of you don't agree with me on this but it is true.  I'm going to have a hard time letting my little one have her own life just as my mother had to let me.  One thing about this method, I did learn to be independent and I appreciated my mother more for what she did.  She never left my side, she just encouraged me to make my decisions so that I could truly learn the value life and how anything I say, think or do does effect all around me.  What happened to this practice parents?  Are you so hellbent on anger and hate that you use and abuse that which looks to you for guidance?  

My heart truly goes out to those who are in this constant tug-of-war with either an ex or society or even worse, yourself.  Try to take a moment.  Step back, look at the situation.  Are you truly that bad?  No.  Do you need to be so hateful?  No.  Do you need to wreck everyone's life around you? No.  Just stop and think past your own nose and agenda. 

Never forget.....

This image will forever be etched into my memory and the memory of all Americans across our great land.  It will also be a memory to those around the world who witnessed our pain and even worse, those who caused our pain.  In this horrific moment, we as a country, cried out in terror and pain.  Not one person can look at this picture and not be taken back to that day 12 years ago.

I normally do not get political in my blogs but today is different.  This morning I woke up with my daughter smashed up against my back making her little snoring sound.  Like every morning, I make sure not to wake her and start getting myself together.  I always smile a little and leave the room.  This morning my heart felt heavy.  This day marked what seemed like the beginning of the end.  I started perusing Facebook and of course there were already tons of "Never forget...." and many pictures to remind us, not just of the day, but how precious this life is.  

Further looking in my news feed and I just started getting more sad, yet more grateful.  I have a huge amount of respect for the First Responders, the Police and any person that took it upon themselves to try and help out another. With no hesitation.  No judgement.  It truly was a day of absolute union.  It was beautiful and traumatic all at the same time. 

One day, on the anniversary of this day, I will need to set aside some time to explain to my daughter why this day is important to us.  To Americans.  I read in my news feed where a good friend of mine was explaining this day to her son.  It broke my heart to read that she cried.  She cried because she was watching her son think, mulling over the information and processing what he had just been told by his mother.  This little boy was trying to truly comprehend why would anyone just randomly do this.  My dear young man, we ask ourselves this question every day.  

As a person very proud of my country, even with our redheaded step-child ways, I want to ask any of you to do this favor going forward in your life.  Don't just take the time to be humbled and grateful for your family and your life today.  Make this a daily habit.  Don't go to bed angry, make up when fighting, hug a little tighter, kiss a little longer, capture a memory.  Never stop being grateful and never stop thanking those men and women who fight for us, protect us and care for us. 

There is never a guarantee in life. 

I'm not a bad mom.....am I?

I know there are several people who have always wanted to be parents. I honestly, was not one of them.  I had told my mother at the age of 10 that she would never, ever get a kid from me.  My reasoning?  I didn't feel, at that age, that society would ever accept me and thus, never accept my children.  Needless to say, my mother was a little upset by this declaration but I don't think she took it seriously as I was so young when taking my stand.  Years later as she lived on, she realized I was serious.  My younger brother had a set of twin girls, whom I loved and adored, but was not churning in me any need to want to be a mom.

Then sadly and suddenly, my mother passed.

Many years later and several failed relationships behind, I end up becoming a mom.  To understand my shock you would have to know just a small tidbit of info.  I tried when I was married.  It was a no go.  It was me, I was the faulty one.  There was things that just weren't working correctly or some garbled doctor explanation that I didn't seem to comprehend.  One one hand I was happy, on the other, I was mad.  I felt like I was damaged goods.  And now.....I was pregnant.  And alone.  I called my best friend to tell her because she was and is the only person that I have in my life right now who I tell EVERYTHING to.  I was kind of asking her if it was okay to have this baby.  Did I know it was going to be hard.  Yes I did.  But I didn't realize that I would not have any time to myself.  I had been alone and without having to take care of anyone other than myself for so long that it has been an adjustment.  Yes, I do love my daughter more than life itself.  You can ask any of my friends.  But I am still having a very hard time adjusting to not having ANY time to myself.  I feel that I am missing out on what it's like to be an adult and to have adult time.  It really sucks when I have to "deal" with it or "suck it up".  I don't have the luxury of anyone really helping me and giving me time for me.  I have a lot of friends and they love both my daughter and I.  But they also have families and lives themselves and a couple of the ones that I would ask to watch my daughter are the ones I want to go out with.  So that would be a no go.  Just about all of my friends have raised their children to the stage of pre-pre-teen, teen to adults.  Here I am.  Starting a family at least 15 years behind everyone.  It really sucks.  

This is where I start to feel like a crappy person and a horrible mother.  I know there are several mothers and fathers out there that want just a little time away but because of either time, money or lack of help, we don't get away and have time to ourselves.  It is very hard to keep it together when you need to step away from the situation to readjust and reevaluate the situation.  But what if it deals with your child?  How do you step away?  You can't. You don't.  You suck it up, deal with it and pray to everything you find holy in your existence that you can keep it together.  Don't feel bad for wanting time away.  Everyone wants time away from the constant barrage of questions and wants and needs and complaints and crying.  This does not make you a bad parent.  This makes you a parent that just wants to make sure that you don't take out your irritations unnecessarily on your child.  

I'm writing this because I know there are several parents out there that feel this way but feel that if they actually say it around anyone, you will get the look of scorn and shame.  Well, I'm saying it!!!  I love my daughter and I need time away from my daughter!!!  I need adult time and a break from diapers, whining and fussing!!!!  There I said it!! You want to cast judgement on me that's fine.  I know other people will be shaking their heads saying, "I totally understand where you are." 

Getting my arse handed to me and loving it!!!

Yes folks, I've finally done it. I've finally gotten off of my fat arse and I have decided that I need to workout.  Well, in all honesty, it's not that I didn't want to.  Did you know that having a small tiny one causes the price of the gym to rise?  Yep it can go from a quite affordable amount to a tad bit of an exuberant amount.  It also matters where you decide to go.  With my bug, my choices are very limited.  Thus led me to do what I can as I can.  Well now I found a way!!!  And it's the best place I've ever been!!

This is not your normal, everyday, run of the mill gym.  This is a serious gym with the most amazing energy and vibe!  I have seen this gym on a number of my friend's pages and I thought the concept a bit archaic of sorts.  Boy was I off!!  It is a serious place with a love of helping people become healthier.  There is no pressure, they want you to push yourself at your own pace and there is not one judgemental line ever given.  There is a slew of different types of bodies and physical levels and it's perfect!  If you go to the standard gym, it's a lot of walking around and making sure you are see.  For people like me, we try to hide as much as possible because there is always that scornful look of how in the world did you let yourself get to the size you are.  There are many reasons why.  Diet, healthy, births, injuries, etc.  The better question to this is, does it really matter??  No it doesn't.  And at my new home, it really doesn't matter how you got to the size you are.  It matters what they can do to help you become a better and healthier you.  At your pace.  On your time.  This gym is not about the all mighty dollar.  They are most definitely about the all mighty health!!!  The instructor that I have had so far is truly amazing!!  Very encouraging and respects the fact that right now, I need to modify a few of the moves.  But I'm trying, pushing, going forward and not giving up!!  And to have my best friend and one of my dearest friends with me during this new venture, is serious motivation and support that I am truly lucky to have!!!  

Periodically, I'll be chronicling my way to a healthier me.  I would love your input, suggestions, advice, recipes, encouragement.  This is not just for me.  This is for my bug, my heart, my life.

Back to School Time!!!!

With the hustle and bustle of the new school year beginning, I sit back and take a look at what I've been lucky enough to witness.   There are several of my friend's kids that I have watch grow up to be the well...ahem...er...adjusted individuals they are today....lol  In all honesty, these kids are great!  Some I wish I had a better connection with and others I miss being around because of just the ins and outs of the day.  

Looking at the first day of school pictures is always a treat.  Sadly, I can certainly say my mother never took those of me.  I'm not sure why or why not.  I distinctly remember getting myself ready because I was too independent even for my mom sometimes.  **thinking to myself**...so that's where the bug gets it from :)  Do I regret not having my first day of school captured?  Maybe, probably not because I'm sure the style of hair left a lot to be desired!!!  None the less, I love seeing all of the pictures of returning students ready to be filled with knowledge, gain new friendships and make memories.  A couple of the kids I saw I look at their pictures and I am just baffled!!!  You are supposed to still be small and need help, not so damn grown that you are independent!  One young man I met when he was 3.  Kind of shy, very quite, sensitive in all the right ways.  He was such a cutie!!!  Now I look at him and my heart actually twisted into a tad bit of pain.  Looking at how much he has grown and where he is going made me sad and happy all at the same time.  This little boy who is growing up right before my eyes was the first kid to actually take to me and he was my bud!  Now, he's got two amazing younger brothers, two awesome cousins and a love for my daughter.  His change is the one that impacted me the most.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's the bond that we formed and still continue to work on even now.  All I know is that he will always have a special place in mine and the bug's heart.  

On the way to daycare as I was seeing the buses driving by, parents walking their kids to the bus stop and car loads of uniformed kids, I looked in the rear view mirror into the mirror on the back of my seat and I see my bug.  She is quietly listening to classical, as we listen to every morning, and she is just patiently sitting there.  Waiting to get to school.  Waiting for mommy to give her goodbye hugs and kisses and to blow kisses on the other side of the glass door.  Sitting.  Quite.  Thoughtful.  And my heart welled up and the tears came down my face.  My little girl is growing up right before my eyes and soon I will be taking her to VPK and then to Kindergarten.  I know it's inevitable but all of a sudden I missed her being small.  I missed my friend's 3 year old.  Where is the time going???  Why does it have to go so fast??  

Congratulations to all the parents today that have taken their kids back to the first day of school.  To the emotional, I know I'll be a damn mess, moms that too their babies to the first day of Kindergarten to the moms that are embarking on the final year of school before college.  My hats off to you and my thanks for letting me be a small part in your journey into Back To School.

MOVING DAY!!! MOVING DAY!!! MOVING DAY!!! I HATE MOVING :(

Tomorrow will be moving day for me and the bug!!! We are going back to where we belong....where it's home!!! And the best part is that not only are we back around our family and friends, but one of my dearest friends will be our roommate!!! I'm so excited!!

Here is a tiny back story on our roommate.....she used to live in Germany and had to come back here to the States for a transplant.  I met her and then husband with their little girl who stole my heart!! Don't get me wrong, I love my bug but their little girl was my first love. Anyhoo...it got to where we became very close and my friend needed help so I helped. I was single, no kids, and two cats. It was fine. And I enjoyed it to the point of feeling like I had purpose. I would do my daily with gym, work, cats and helping my friend. Then transplant was a success and on with life. Sadly, we had a couple of times of losing touch but never losing sight of each other and we always came back to each other when we needed too. We are truly Yin/Yang in every way! Now the time has come full circle for my daughter to get extra mommy help from my friend and not only her, but her daughter as well!!! This just warms my heart!!!!

I'm very happy we will be leaving our crazy, loud, obnoxious complex for a nice duplex in one of the nice historical areas of our home!!! We will be closer to my daughter's favorite aunt, cousin, friends and of course her grampas!!!  I love downtown! There are so many cute shops, places to walk to, I can take my bug over to the water, closer....waaaaaayyyyy closer to the beach and the best part of that??? I don't have to pay for parking like I did up in St. Pete. Just horrible!!! I live here and I have to pay??? I'm going back where it's quite, nice, and free!!!

I have some really great friends that have helped me get here and a couple that will be helping with the move. I honestly could not have done this without you nor have gotten here without your support and just butt-kicking that I needed!!! Thanks you so much!! I love you all more than you can possibly imaging!!!

Okay moving day...bring it!!!!

Trying to hold it together...and feeling like a failure

I know that a lot of women suffer from depression or even postpartum. There are some women that suffer from postpartum for a lot longer than what some doctors have even recorded. 

I don't suffer from postpartum. I suffer from depression. It's not bi-polar; what everyone automatically assumes. It's a real disease. It cannot be cured. It can, however, be monitored and with the right treatment and medications, quite tolerable.  Now here is the tricky part....what are your diagnoses? See, you wouldn't think mine are severe and sometimes they really aren't. But when something triggers it, it's a mess. You would think that someone that suffers from depression would understand, but sadly, I have learned they do not. It's quite possibly that they have found a way to deal better or when something triggers it, they can recoup easily. Medication and a therapist is fantastic for that. If you have these two, you are clearly on the right track. For you. Not for someone else. It is great when you can talk to someone that suffers, but sometimes they basically want you to get over it like it's nothing.

For me, it's not that easy. Maybe it's because I'm too sensitive or too emotional. That's what people have told me, be it a partner or a friend. I'm just to get over whatever is bothering me and realize that things could get worse. Honestly, that is not what I need to hear nor want to hear. I know it could be worse. I've been in worse. It still does not make it easy to deal with nor does it make it right for you to say it. If it could be worse, then why would you say that to a person who is clearly under duress? When a person  is under a lot and their depression kicks in, the last thing you need to say and what we want to hear is that. 

I don't want any sympathy for this post. I am doing this for myself to get it out and to maybe show another that you are not alone. You feel that way you feel and you are entitled. Only you can control your emotions, granted with a little help sometimes, and you are allowed to take in what you want to take in. Not what someone tells you to do. I really hope that this post does help someone because it actually has helped me in getting it out.

A Hugglemonster will always find a way!!!

No one ever wants to admit to needing help. Sadly, in society we have been raised to believe that if we ask for help it is a sign of weakness. Well I say, screw that!! It's not and you know what? I need help!! 

My life took a series of crazy turns and ups and downs and highs and lows. I did it, I'm still doing it but I am finally to a point that I need help. I have been mentally broken and physically I'm working on it.....v  e  r  y     s  l  o  w  l  y....but I'm working on it! 

I was raised that  you never ask for help. You give help and I have loved every single minute of giving help. I would never take away my ability to help my friends or anyone in need. Ever!! That is not my nature. My nature is to help and to continue to help despite my situation. Well, I think that is where I messed up. I think. But then I made the leap of faith and I answered honestly when a friend asked me how I was doing. It wasn't a "how are you doing I'm trying to be nice" asking, it was a "how are you really? I know you have got to be going crazy, talk to me." So I did. And I felt horrible. I felt that I should have kept my mouth shut but I needed an avenue to vent and to get it out. I had spent to many years bottling things up that doing so has made me mentally crazy and bodily sick. I spoke and then another good friend after another would ask and I would tell them. Then only person, sadly that didn't have a choice, was my best friend. But even she was concerned. I never felt like the person that really anyone would pay attention to and that was okay with me. I had my few friends, my daughter, my dads and I'm okay. But when I truly started to open up I was pleasantly surprised. And for those friends I thank you. For the talks, the suggestions, the help. I thank you!!

You may take this as, here's another mom just wanting sympathy or pity. And that's fine. But remember, this is my blog to do whatever I want with it and to write what I want. And you know what? There is a mom or a person out there that happens to read my blog for the fun of it or even to get some ideas or just to know that they aren't alone. You are never alone! If you can't turn to your friends or family, then reach out to me. I have a huge heart and I will always try my best to find a way. As I said this last line, what pops into my head? Henry Hugglemonster!!! My daughter's new favorite show and I'm not going to lie, it's mine too!!! But he always says that a Hugglemonster will always find a way. He's right, you will and I will always find a way!!!

My princess, my hero♥♥♥♥♥

<p dir=ltr><b>I am in such awe of this little girl. I catch myself just staring at her and I'm just I'm awe.</b></p><p dir=ltr><b>It's funny when she catches me staring because she'll look at me and for a brief moment there is this complete understanding between us. In that one brief moment, there are no words, just a pure unadulterated link and connection. Then once that moment is done, she laughs and goes on to being herself.
</b></p><p dir=ltr><b>My daughter does astound me. A friend of mine, and pretty much family, told me that she had a thought or theory of my daughter. She said that everything that is good, happy, wonderful, and positive within me is the full embodiment of my daughter. These traits needed to surface and because I'm so clogged and plagued by so much negative and depression. So voila..... here's my heart! I have actually said that my daughter is my hero and then it hits me, I am my daughter.

I know for me and a benefit for her, I need to get a handle of my emotions and especially my depression. This little girl knows when I'm upset and she works on changing my mindset and deep down it makes me sad. She is a toddler. She should NOT take on the burden that I have on my shoulders. It's my issue to work on and when she looks at me, moves my hands away from my face and she leans in and hugs me. This little girls has so much love and light and she makes me realize I have this too. I just need to dig it out.

With my 14 month old's help, I will unearth my love and my light. She is my hero♥♥♥♥

This is it!!! She's walking....and I'm panicking!!!

What can I say?? My love, my heart, my everything is walking!!! And I am now panicking like you wouldn't believe!! I have been looking forward to this day for so long and now that it's hear, it's just a realization that my little baby is growing up on me!!! I don't want her to grow up to fast. That's it!! I'm putting my foot down, no more growing for the bug!! HAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah right but I can dream right? 

I couldn't be more proud of Zoe and to see the look on her face as she's walking towards you is just priceless. She has such determination and drive to walk. She is actually excited that she is more mobile now. She knows, if I keep this up I'll get better and faster and then look out ma....I'm gonna start running!! 

I was just looking as some of the videos that I've taken of Zoe. First of all, thank God I got a better camera/phone because, holy crap the resolution was ghastly on my previous phone. But I was looking and it was on December 5th that Zoe took the first steps to start crawling and it brought tears to my eyes. My little bug, who needed me to carry her everywhere, was crawling. Now she is determined to start walking and not just walking. She's hauling it!! She is like I gots to go! Peace out girl scout!! 

I know this apart of growing up, but I just want her to stay as little as possible. She is my one and only and I want to treasure ever single moment. 

My bug is on the move. Lord help me!!!

School is officially out!!!!

I have been looking at my Facebook and all of my friends have this graduation to go to or that one to go to. It is so cool to see and watch some of the kids that I have grown to know and love, get even more grown!!! There is one young man I have actually known since he was first born and I look at him now and it's just astounding!!! He has gotten so big, so smart and truly is a joy to be around. 

So many of my friends have much older children and only a few have younger children. I am very grateful to be able to share in their proud moments and one day they will share in mine. It kind of a weird thing for me thought. I know that sooner than I want, I will be going to my daughter's first of many graduations and I will be that much closer to losing my "baby"! I know I'm extremely cheesy, but I'm allowed! I am a mother after all and we are allowed to be cheesy, moody, overbearing and all of that!!!

I want to take a moment though and wish everyone who is graduating high school the best of luck!!! Remember, it's life....don't take it so seriously! Trust an older person! Do what's right, stay on the right path and never regret...just do!!! For the ones moving onto the next stage of the game called education....congratulations to you as well!!! I know there have been many a nights where you have looked at your homework and said to yourself, "is this really going to help me in life?" Well....depends on what you plan on doing. But most of all, you are learning so never stop!!! And a special congratulations to the parents!! You know that each year that your child(ren) advance is just confirmation of your perseverance for your child(ren) to become great people!! Hats off to you!!!

I just want to say from the bottom of my heart to those I know, I couldn't be more proud and more excited for you!! I love you all!!