I know there are several people who have always wanted to be parents. I honestly, was not one of them. I had told my mother at the age of 10 that she would never, ever get a kid from me. My reasoning? I didn't feel, at that age, that society would ever accept me and thus, never accept my children. Needless to say, my mother was a little upset by this declaration but I don't think she took it seriously as I was so young when taking my stand. Years later as she lived on, she realized I was serious. My younger brother had a set of twin girls, whom I loved and adored, but was not churning in me any need to want to be a mom.
Then sadly and suddenly, my mother passed.
Many years later and several failed relationships behind, I end up becoming a mom. To understand my shock you would have to know just a small tidbit of info. I tried when I was married. It was a no go. It was me, I was the faulty one. There was things that just weren't working correctly or some garbled doctor explanation that I didn't seem to comprehend. One one hand I was happy, on the other, I was mad. I felt like I was damaged goods. And now.....I was pregnant. And alone. I called my best friend to tell her because she was and is the only person that I have in my life right now who I tell EVERYTHING to. I was kind of asking her if it was okay to have this baby. Did I know it was going to be hard. Yes I did. But I didn't realize that I would not have any time to myself. I had been alone and without having to take care of anyone other than myself for so long that it has been an adjustment. Yes, I do love my daughter more than life itself. You can ask any of my friends. But I am still having a very hard time adjusting to not having ANY time to myself. I feel that I am missing out on what it's like to be an adult and to have adult time. It really sucks when I have to "deal" with it or "suck it up". I don't have the luxury of anyone really helping me and giving me time for me. I have a lot of friends and they love both my daughter and I. But they also have families and lives themselves and a couple of the ones that I would ask to watch my daughter are the ones I want to go out with. So that would be a no go. Just about all of my friends have raised their children to the stage of pre-pre-teen, teen to adults. Here I am. Starting a family at least 15 years behind everyone. It really sucks.
This is where I start to feel like a crappy person and a horrible mother. I know there are several mothers and fathers out there that want just a little time away but because of either time, money or lack of help, we don't get away and have time to ourselves. It is very hard to keep it together when you need to step away from the situation to readjust and reevaluate the situation. But what if it deals with your child? How do you step away? You can't. You don't. You suck it up, deal with it and pray to everything you find holy in your existence that you can keep it together. Don't feel bad for wanting time away. Everyone wants time away from the constant barrage of questions and wants and needs and complaints and crying. This does not make you a bad parent. This makes you a parent that just wants to make sure that you don't take out your irritations unnecessarily on your child.
I'm writing this because I know there are several parents out there that feel this way but feel that if they actually say it around anyone, you will get the look of scorn and shame. Well, I'm saying it!!! I love my daughter and I need time away from my daughter!!! I need adult time and a break from diapers, whining and fussing!!!! There I said it!! You want to cast judgement on me that's fine. I know other people will be shaking their heads saying, "I totally understand where you are."
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