Trying to hold it together...and feeling like a failure

I know that a lot of women suffer from depression or even postpartum. There are some women that suffer from postpartum for a lot longer than what some doctors have even recorded. 

I don't suffer from postpartum. I suffer from depression. It's not bi-polar; what everyone automatically assumes. It's a real disease. It cannot be cured. It can, however, be monitored and with the right treatment and medications, quite tolerable.  Now here is the tricky part....what are your diagnoses? See, you wouldn't think mine are severe and sometimes they really aren't. But when something triggers it, it's a mess. You would think that someone that suffers from depression would understand, but sadly, I have learned they do not. It's quite possibly that they have found a way to deal better or when something triggers it, they can recoup easily. Medication and a therapist is fantastic for that. If you have these two, you are clearly on the right track. For you. Not for someone else. It is great when you can talk to someone that suffers, but sometimes they basically want you to get over it like it's nothing.

For me, it's not that easy. Maybe it's because I'm too sensitive or too emotional. That's what people have told me, be it a partner or a friend. I'm just to get over whatever is bothering me and realize that things could get worse. Honestly, that is not what I need to hear nor want to hear. I know it could be worse. I've been in worse. It still does not make it easy to deal with nor does it make it right for you to say it. If it could be worse, then why would you say that to a person who is clearly under duress? When a person  is under a lot and their depression kicks in, the last thing you need to say and what we want to hear is that. 

I don't want any sympathy for this post. I am doing this for myself to get it out and to maybe show another that you are not alone. You feel that way you feel and you are entitled. Only you can control your emotions, granted with a little help sometimes, and you are allowed to take in what you want to take in. Not what someone tells you to do. I really hope that this post does help someone because it actually has helped me in getting it out.

A Hugglemonster will always find a way!!!

No one ever wants to admit to needing help. Sadly, in society we have been raised to believe that if we ask for help it is a sign of weakness. Well I say, screw that!! It's not and you know what? I need help!! 

My life took a series of crazy turns and ups and downs and highs and lows. I did it, I'm still doing it but I am finally to a point that I need help. I have been mentally broken and physically I'm working on it.....v  e  r  y     s  l  o  w  l  y....but I'm working on it! 

I was raised that  you never ask for help. You give help and I have loved every single minute of giving help. I would never take away my ability to help my friends or anyone in need. Ever!! That is not my nature. My nature is to help and to continue to help despite my situation. Well, I think that is where I messed up. I think. But then I made the leap of faith and I answered honestly when a friend asked me how I was doing. It wasn't a "how are you doing I'm trying to be nice" asking, it was a "how are you really? I know you have got to be going crazy, talk to me." So I did. And I felt horrible. I felt that I should have kept my mouth shut but I needed an avenue to vent and to get it out. I had spent to many years bottling things up that doing so has made me mentally crazy and bodily sick. I spoke and then another good friend after another would ask and I would tell them. Then only person, sadly that didn't have a choice, was my best friend. But even she was concerned. I never felt like the person that really anyone would pay attention to and that was okay with me. I had my few friends, my daughter, my dads and I'm okay. But when I truly started to open up I was pleasantly surprised. And for those friends I thank you. For the talks, the suggestions, the help. I thank you!!

You may take this as, here's another mom just wanting sympathy or pity. And that's fine. But remember, this is my blog to do whatever I want with it and to write what I want. And you know what? There is a mom or a person out there that happens to read my blog for the fun of it or even to get some ideas or just to know that they aren't alone. You are never alone! If you can't turn to your friends or family, then reach out to me. I have a huge heart and I will always try my best to find a way. As I said this last line, what pops into my head? Henry Hugglemonster!!! My daughter's new favorite show and I'm not going to lie, it's mine too!!! But he always says that a Hugglemonster will always find a way. He's right, you will and I will always find a way!!!

My princess, my hero♥♥♥♥♥

<p dir=ltr><b>I am in such awe of this little girl. I catch myself just staring at her and I'm just I'm awe.</b></p><p dir=ltr><b>It's funny when she catches me staring because she'll look at me and for a brief moment there is this complete understanding between us. In that one brief moment, there are no words, just a pure unadulterated link and connection. Then once that moment is done, she laughs and goes on to being herself.
</b></p><p dir=ltr><b>My daughter does astound me. A friend of mine, and pretty much family, told me that she had a thought or theory of my daughter. She said that everything that is good, happy, wonderful, and positive within me is the full embodiment of my daughter. These traits needed to surface and because I'm so clogged and plagued by so much negative and depression. So voila..... here's my heart! I have actually said that my daughter is my hero and then it hits me, I am my daughter.

I know for me and a benefit for her, I need to get a handle of my emotions and especially my depression. This little girl knows when I'm upset and she works on changing my mindset and deep down it makes me sad. She is a toddler. She should NOT take on the burden that I have on my shoulders. It's my issue to work on and when she looks at me, moves my hands away from my face and she leans in and hugs me. This little girls has so much love and light and she makes me realize I have this too. I just need to dig it out.

With my 14 month old's help, I will unearth my love and my light. She is my hero♥♥♥♥

This is it!!! She's walking....and I'm panicking!!!

What can I say?? My love, my heart, my everything is walking!!! And I am now panicking like you wouldn't believe!! I have been looking forward to this day for so long and now that it's hear, it's just a realization that my little baby is growing up on me!!! I don't want her to grow up to fast. That's it!! I'm putting my foot down, no more growing for the bug!! HAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah right but I can dream right? 

I couldn't be more proud of Zoe and to see the look on her face as she's walking towards you is just priceless. She has such determination and drive to walk. She is actually excited that she is more mobile now. She knows, if I keep this up I'll get better and faster and then look out ma....I'm gonna start running!! 

I was just looking as some of the videos that I've taken of Zoe. First of all, thank God I got a better camera/phone because, holy crap the resolution was ghastly on my previous phone. But I was looking and it was on December 5th that Zoe took the first steps to start crawling and it brought tears to my eyes. My little bug, who needed me to carry her everywhere, was crawling. Now she is determined to start walking and not just walking. She's hauling it!! She is like I gots to go! Peace out girl scout!! 

I know this apart of growing up, but I just want her to stay as little as possible. She is my one and only and I want to treasure ever single moment. 

My bug is on the move. Lord help me!!!