I know that I lose my temper with you....A LOT! It's not that I am angry with you, it's just that I really have not a clue as to what I am doing. I know that you are still very little and still learning, as I am still learning to not be so harsh and demanding. I am having the hardest time doing this with so little direction or  help. Granted, your aunts and uncles are fantastic but as you will learn from me, I hate to have someone do what I need to do. Your grandmother always said to me that you are to do for yourself and never ask for help unless you are truly unable to help yourself. I struggle with this every day little one, to find that balance to help you be the best that you can be and to not be so harsh in raising you. 

I know that the past few weeks have been like a roller coaster for  you. Some days are really good and there are those bad days that we wished would hurry up and go away. I honestly can't thank you enough for being the amazing little girl that you are. I am truly sorry for being so impatient and so demanding of you. I am even more appreciative of you just loving me regardless of mommy still learning how to be a mommy. I will try my best to be more patient, more understanding and less demanding.

Try not to hold it against me ;)

Don't like birthdays, but need to plan one :/

So here's something for you....how do you try to plan a birthday party, a 2nd birthday party, when you can't even stand your own???? I know strange but it's true, ask anyone. I hate celebrating my birthday!!! So how am I supposed to plan a birthday for my one and only? 

I planned a cute party last year and it was a horrible experience! It could have been time of day, time of year, stupid first year shots or just the fact that she didn't want a party. I really couldn't blame her. Anytime I've tried planning something for myself, it would go horribly wrong. Yes, friends have tried to put things together but it just seemed so forced for others to "show" that I would have rather nothing planned at all. 

So my love bug is turning 2. In two weeks. This is not a good thing for this mother. I have no idea what to do, where to have it and who to invite. This little girl gets pretty much what she needs throughout the year and of course her aunt over buys for her. I know she does it because she loves her, but too much LOL!!!

I know I'm going to get backlash for this blog as I have a ton of people who love to celebrate their birthday and even more if it's a kids party. I don't want to be a dud. I want her to always be excited it's her birthday, it's her special day!!!! Of course I want to celebrate the day she made my life more awesome than I can imagine, but I hate birthdays.

This is going to be interesting. 

Parent Rant!!! May upset you and I'm not sorry!!!

What is going on parents?? Especially my moms out there????  I am seeing way too much negativity and even more downing yourself as not only a person but a mother.  Who in the world is making you feel this way??  If it's society, you need to knock that crap off by not listening.  Society has absolutely no business making your decisions for you, about you, or around you.  Society is full of labels, misrepresentations and sadly, lies on what it is to be a person let alone being a mother.  

Your ex?  Unless you are "mother of the year", your ex will do and say whatever to make you feel bad.  That seems to be the text book case with so many.  Fortunately for me, I will never have that.  Sadly, my bug's father could really care less about her.  I say, thank you!!!  Thank you for giving me the ability to have the right people in her life and the right influences.  It saddens me to see so many of my friends having to go through so much just to try and keep a balance in life with work, household and kids.  Hell, I have one and I'm about to curl up in the fetal position and rock myself!!!  I can't imagine what having two or more is like and then on top of that you have to try and keep yourself sane.  Listen my dears, NEVER let anyone take your sparkle!!!  Ladies we need to keep our heads up and keep moving forward!

With that being said I am now going to anger some of you.  I don't care.  My opinion, my blog, my observations.  You don't like it, then don't read.  Plain and simple....

I am seeing too many of my friends and too many random posts on various sites where the mother is seriously questioning her ability of being a good parent.  This truly angers me to no end because most of you that are questioning your parenting skills are absolutely fantastic and honestly who I am going to for help.  If I felt that you are a crappy mom, do you think I would ask you for help with my kid???  Hells to the nah!!!

Another thing that just peeves me to no end, choosing one sibling over another.  You CANNOT do this!!!  By you choosing one of your children over another, you are creating such a disgusting existence between the two.  Your children will grow up with so much animosity not only towards each other, but they will definitely have a lot towards you.  Remember folks, your children are in charge of your care once you become elderly.  Revenge is a bitch!!!

Lastly and most importantly, the mother of all pet peeves for me.....and this involves both parents....using your child as a PAWN!!!!!  This is not Harry Potter where you play Wizards Chess, this is life and you  DO NOT TOY WITH ANOTHER PERSON'S LIFE!!!!!!!!!  What is wrong with you????  Are you that sick and demented that you feel that you need to use your child to get back at the other person?  You are messing with a life.  Plain and simple.  Oh and hey, guess what???  It's not YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!  Once you have a child, yes you get to rear them and guide them, however, it is essentially their life.  I'm sure a lot of you don't agree with me on this but it is true.  I'm going to have a hard time letting my little one have her own life just as my mother had to let me.  One thing about this method, I did learn to be independent and I appreciated my mother more for what she did.  She never left my side, she just encouraged me to make my decisions so that I could truly learn the value life and how anything I say, think or do does effect all around me.  What happened to this practice parents?  Are you so hellbent on anger and hate that you use and abuse that which looks to you for guidance?  

My heart truly goes out to those who are in this constant tug-of-war with either an ex or society or even worse, yourself.  Try to take a moment.  Step back, look at the situation.  Are you truly that bad?  No.  Do you need to be so hateful?  No.  Do you need to wreck everyone's life around you? No.  Just stop and think past your own nose and agenda. 

Never forget.....

This image will forever be etched into my memory and the memory of all Americans across our great land.  It will also be a memory to those around the world who witnessed our pain and even worse, those who caused our pain.  In this horrific moment, we as a country, cried out in terror and pain.  Not one person can look at this picture and not be taken back to that day 12 years ago.

I normally do not get political in my blogs but today is different.  This morning I woke up with my daughter smashed up against my back making her little snoring sound.  Like every morning, I make sure not to wake her and start getting myself together.  I always smile a little and leave the room.  This morning my heart felt heavy.  This day marked what seemed like the beginning of the end.  I started perusing Facebook and of course there were already tons of "Never forget...." and many pictures to remind us, not just of the day, but how precious this life is.  

Further looking in my news feed and I just started getting more sad, yet more grateful.  I have a huge amount of respect for the First Responders, the Police and any person that took it upon themselves to try and help out another. With no hesitation.  No judgement.  It truly was a day of absolute union.  It was beautiful and traumatic all at the same time. 

One day, on the anniversary of this day, I will need to set aside some time to explain to my daughter why this day is important to us.  To Americans.  I read in my news feed where a good friend of mine was explaining this day to her son.  It broke my heart to read that she cried.  She cried because she was watching her son think, mulling over the information and processing what he had just been told by his mother.  This little boy was trying to truly comprehend why would anyone just randomly do this.  My dear young man, we ask ourselves this question every day.  

As a person very proud of my country, even with our redheaded step-child ways, I want to ask any of you to do this favor going forward in your life.  Don't just take the time to be humbled and grateful for your family and your life today.  Make this a daily habit.  Don't go to bed angry, make up when fighting, hug a little tighter, kiss a little longer, capture a memory.  Never stop being grateful and never stop thanking those men and women who fight for us, protect us and care for us. 

There is never a guarantee in life. 

I'm not a bad mom.....am I?

I know there are several people who have always wanted to be parents. I honestly, was not one of them.  I had told my mother at the age of 10 that she would never, ever get a kid from me.  My reasoning?  I didn't feel, at that age, that society would ever accept me and thus, never accept my children.  Needless to say, my mother was a little upset by this declaration but I don't think she took it seriously as I was so young when taking my stand.  Years later as she lived on, she realized I was serious.  My younger brother had a set of twin girls, whom I loved and adored, but was not churning in me any need to want to be a mom.

Then sadly and suddenly, my mother passed.

Many years later and several failed relationships behind, I end up becoming a mom.  To understand my shock you would have to know just a small tidbit of info.  I tried when I was married.  It was a no go.  It was me, I was the faulty one.  There was things that just weren't working correctly or some garbled doctor explanation that I didn't seem to comprehend.  One one hand I was happy, on the other, I was mad.  I felt like I was damaged goods.  And now.....I was pregnant.  And alone.  I called my best friend to tell her because she was and is the only person that I have in my life right now who I tell EVERYTHING to.  I was kind of asking her if it was okay to have this baby.  Did I know it was going to be hard.  Yes I did.  But I didn't realize that I would not have any time to myself.  I had been alone and without having to take care of anyone other than myself for so long that it has been an adjustment.  Yes, I do love my daughter more than life itself.  You can ask any of my friends.  But I am still having a very hard time adjusting to not having ANY time to myself.  I feel that I am missing out on what it's like to be an adult and to have adult time.  It really sucks when I have to "deal" with it or "suck it up".  I don't have the luxury of anyone really helping me and giving me time for me.  I have a lot of friends and they love both my daughter and I.  But they also have families and lives themselves and a couple of the ones that I would ask to watch my daughter are the ones I want to go out with.  So that would be a no go.  Just about all of my friends have raised their children to the stage of pre-pre-teen, teen to adults.  Here I am.  Starting a family at least 15 years behind everyone.  It really sucks.  

This is where I start to feel like a crappy person and a horrible mother.  I know there are several mothers and fathers out there that want just a little time away but because of either time, money or lack of help, we don't get away and have time to ourselves.  It is very hard to keep it together when you need to step away from the situation to readjust and reevaluate the situation.  But what if it deals with your child?  How do you step away?  You can't. You don't.  You suck it up, deal with it and pray to everything you find holy in your existence that you can keep it together.  Don't feel bad for wanting time away.  Everyone wants time away from the constant barrage of questions and wants and needs and complaints and crying.  This does not make you a bad parent.  This makes you a parent that just wants to make sure that you don't take out your irritations unnecessarily on your child.  

I'm writing this because I know there are several parents out there that feel this way but feel that if they actually say it around anyone, you will get the look of scorn and shame.  Well, I'm saying it!!!  I love my daughter and I need time away from my daughter!!!  I need adult time and a break from diapers, whining and fussing!!!!  There I said it!! You want to cast judgement on me that's fine.  I know other people will be shaking their heads saying, "I totally understand where you are." 

Getting my arse handed to me and loving it!!!

Yes folks, I've finally done it. I've finally gotten off of my fat arse and I have decided that I need to workout.  Well, in all honesty, it's not that I didn't want to.  Did you know that having a small tiny one causes the price of the gym to rise?  Yep it can go from a quite affordable amount to a tad bit of an exuberant amount.  It also matters where you decide to go.  With my bug, my choices are very limited.  Thus led me to do what I can as I can.  Well now I found a way!!!  And it's the best place I've ever been!!

This is not your normal, everyday, run of the mill gym.  This is a serious gym with the most amazing energy and vibe!  I have seen this gym on a number of my friend's pages and I thought the concept a bit archaic of sorts.  Boy was I off!!  It is a serious place with a love of helping people become healthier.  There is no pressure, they want you to push yourself at your own pace and there is not one judgemental line ever given.  There is a slew of different types of bodies and physical levels and it's perfect!  If you go to the standard gym, it's a lot of walking around and making sure you are see.  For people like me, we try to hide as much as possible because there is always that scornful look of how in the world did you let yourself get to the size you are.  There are many reasons why.  Diet, healthy, births, injuries, etc.  The better question to this is, does it really matter??  No it doesn't.  And at my new home, it really doesn't matter how you got to the size you are.  It matters what they can do to help you become a better and healthier you.  At your pace.  On your time.  This gym is not about the all mighty dollar.  They are most definitely about the all mighty health!!!  The instructor that I have had so far is truly amazing!!  Very encouraging and respects the fact that right now, I need to modify a few of the moves.  But I'm trying, pushing, going forward and not giving up!!  And to have my best friend and one of my dearest friends with me during this new venture, is serious motivation and support that I am truly lucky to have!!!  

Periodically, I'll be chronicling my way to a healthier me.  I would love your input, suggestions, advice, recipes, encouragement.  This is not just for me.  This is for my bug, my heart, my life.

Back to School Time!!!!

With the hustle and bustle of the new school year beginning, I sit back and take a look at what I've been lucky enough to witness.   There are several of my friend's kids that I have watch grow up to be the well...ahem...er...adjusted individuals they are today....lol  In all honesty, these kids are great!  Some I wish I had a better connection with and others I miss being around because of just the ins and outs of the day.  

Looking at the first day of school pictures is always a treat.  Sadly, I can certainly say my mother never took those of me.  I'm not sure why or why not.  I distinctly remember getting myself ready because I was too independent even for my mom sometimes.  **thinking to myself**...so that's where the bug gets it from :)  Do I regret not having my first day of school captured?  Maybe, probably not because I'm sure the style of hair left a lot to be desired!!!  None the less, I love seeing all of the pictures of returning students ready to be filled with knowledge, gain new friendships and make memories.  A couple of the kids I saw I look at their pictures and I am just baffled!!!  You are supposed to still be small and need help, not so damn grown that you are independent!  One young man I met when he was 3.  Kind of shy, very quite, sensitive in all the right ways.  He was such a cutie!!!  Now I look at him and my heart actually twisted into a tad bit of pain.  Looking at how much he has grown and where he is going made me sad and happy all at the same time.  This little boy who is growing up right before my eyes was the first kid to actually take to me and he was my bud!  Now, he's got two amazing younger brothers, two awesome cousins and a love for my daughter.  His change is the one that impacted me the most.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's the bond that we formed and still continue to work on even now.  All I know is that he will always have a special place in mine and the bug's heart.  

On the way to daycare as I was seeing the buses driving by, parents walking their kids to the bus stop and car loads of uniformed kids, I looked in the rear view mirror into the mirror on the back of my seat and I see my bug.  She is quietly listening to classical, as we listen to every morning, and she is just patiently sitting there.  Waiting to get to school.  Waiting for mommy to give her goodbye hugs and kisses and to blow kisses on the other side of the glass door.  Sitting.  Quite.  Thoughtful.  And my heart welled up and the tears came down my face.  My little girl is growing up right before my eyes and soon I will be taking her to VPK and then to Kindergarten.  I know it's inevitable but all of a sudden I missed her being small.  I missed my friend's 3 year old.  Where is the time going???  Why does it have to go so fast??  

Congratulations to all the parents today that have taken their kids back to the first day of school.  To the emotional, I know I'll be a damn mess, moms that too their babies to the first day of Kindergarten to the moms that are embarking on the final year of school before college.  My hats off to you and my thanks for letting me be a small part in your journey into Back To School.