I know there are several people who have always wanted to be parents. I honestly, was not one of them. I had told my mother at the age of 10 that she would never, ever get a kid from me. My reasoning? I didn't feel, at that age, that society would ever accept me and thus, never accept my children. Needless to say, my mother was a little upset by this declaration but I don't think she took it seriously as I was so young when taking my stand. Years later as she lived on, she realized I was serious. My younger brother had a set of twin girls, whom I loved and adored, but was not churning in me any need to want to be a mom.
Then sadly and suddenly, my mother passed.
Many years later and several failed relationships behind, I end up becoming a mom. To understand my shock you would have to know just a small tidbit of info. I tried when I was married. It was a no go. It was me, I was the faulty one. There was things that just weren't working correctly or some garbled doctor explanation that I didn't seem to comprehend. One one hand I was happy, on the other, I was mad. I felt like I was damaged goods. And now.....I was pregnant. And alone. I called my best friend to tell her because she was and is the only person that I have in my life right now who I tell EVERYTHING to. I was kind of asking her if it was okay to have this baby. Did I know it was going to be hard. Yes I did. But I didn't realize that I would not have any time to myself. I had been alone and without having to take care of anyone other than myself for so long that it has been an adjustment. Yes, I do love my daughter more than life itself. You can ask any of my friends. But I am still having a very hard time adjusting to not having ANY time to myself. I feel that I am missing out on what it's like to be an adult and to have adult time. It really sucks when I have to "deal" with it or "suck it up". I don't have the luxury of anyone really helping me and giving me time for me. I have a lot of friends and they love both my daughter and I. But they also have families and lives themselves and a couple of the ones that I would ask to watch my daughter are the ones I want to go out with. So that would be a no go. Just about all of my friends have raised their children to the stage of pre-pre-teen, teen to adults. Here I am. Starting a family at least 15 years behind everyone. It really sucks.
This is where I start to feel like a crappy person and a horrible mother. I know there are several mothers and fathers out there that want just a little time away but because of either time, money or lack of help, we don't get away and have time to ourselves. It is very hard to keep it together when you need to step away from the situation to readjust and reevaluate the situation. But what if it deals with your child? How do you step away? You can't. You don't. You suck it up, deal with it and pray to everything you find holy in your existence that you can keep it together. Don't feel bad for wanting time away. Everyone wants time away from the constant barrage of questions and wants and needs and complaints and crying. This does not make you a bad parent. This makes you a parent that just wants to make sure that you don't take out your irritations unnecessarily on your child.
I'm writing this because I know there are several parents out there that feel this way but feel that if they actually say it around anyone, you will get the look of scorn and shame. Well, I'm saying it!!! I love my daughter and I need time away from my daughter!!! I need adult time and a break from diapers, whining and fussing!!!! There I said it!! You want to cast judgement on me that's fine. I know other people will be shaking their heads saying, "I totally understand where you are."
Yes folks, I've finally done it. I've finally gotten off of my fat arse and I have decided that I need to workout. Well, in all honesty, it's not that I didn't want to. Did you know that having a small tiny one causes the price of the gym to rise? Yep it can go from a quite affordable amount to a tad bit of an exuberant amount. It also matters where you decide to go. With my bug, my choices are very limited. Thus led me to do what I can as I can. Well now I found a way!!! And it's the best place I've ever been!!
This is not your normal, everyday, run of the mill gym. This is a serious gym with the most amazing energy and vibe! I have seen this gym on a number of my friend's pages and I thought the concept a bit archaic of sorts. Boy was I off!! It is a serious place with a love of helping people become healthier. There is no pressure, they want you to push yourself at your own pace and there is not one judgemental line ever given. There is a slew of different types of bodies and physical levels and it's perfect! If you go to the standard gym, it's a lot of walking around and making sure you are see. For people like me, we try to hide as much as possible because there is always that scornful look of how in the world did you let yourself get to the size you are. There are many reasons why. Diet, healthy, births, injuries, etc. The better question to this is, does it really matter?? No it doesn't. And at my new home, it really doesn't matter how you got to the size you are. It matters what they can do to help you become a better and healthier you. At your pace. On your time. This gym is not about the all mighty dollar. They are most definitely about the all mighty health!!! The instructor that I have had so far is truly amazing!! Very encouraging and respects the fact that right now, I need to modify a few of the moves. But I'm trying, pushing, going forward and not giving up!! And to have my best friend and one of my dearest friends with me during this new venture, is serious motivation and support that I am truly lucky to have!!!
Periodically, I'll be chronicling my way to a healthier me. I would love your input, suggestions, advice, recipes, encouragement. This is not just for me. This is for my bug, my heart, my life.
With the hustle and bustle of the new school year beginning, I sit back and take a look at what I've been lucky enough to witness. There are several of my friend's kids that I have watch grow up to be the well...ahem...er...adjusted individuals they are today....lol In all honesty, these kids are great! Some I wish I had a better connection with and others I miss being around because of just the ins and outs of the day.
Looking at the first day of school pictures is always a treat. Sadly, I can certainly say my mother never took those of me. I'm not sure why or why not. I distinctly remember getting myself ready because I was too independent even for my mom sometimes. **thinking to myself**...so that's where the bug gets it from :) Do I regret not having my first day of school captured? Maybe, probably not because I'm sure the style of hair left a lot to be desired!!! None the less, I love seeing all of the pictures of returning students ready to be filled with knowledge, gain new friendships and make memories. A couple of the kids I saw I look at their pictures and I am just baffled!!! You are supposed to still be small and need help, not so damn grown that you are independent! One young man I met when he was 3. Kind of shy, very quite, sensitive in all the right ways. He was such a cutie!!! Now I look at him and my heart actually twisted into a tad bit of pain. Looking at how much he has grown and where he is going made me sad and happy all at the same time. This little boy who is growing up right before my eyes was the first kid to actually take to me and he was my bud! Now, he's got two amazing younger brothers, two awesome cousins and a love for my daughter. His change is the one that impacted me the most. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the bond that we formed and still continue to work on even now. All I know is that he will always have a special place in mine and the bug's heart.
On the way to daycare as I was seeing the buses driving by, parents walking their kids to the bus stop and car loads of uniformed kids, I looked in the rear view mirror into the mirror on the back of my seat and I see my bug. She is quietly listening to classical, as we listen to every morning, and she is just patiently sitting there. Waiting to get to school. Waiting for mommy to give her goodbye hugs and kisses and to blow kisses on the other side of the glass door. Sitting. Quite. Thoughtful. And my heart welled up and the tears came down my face. My little girl is growing up right before my eyes and soon I will be taking her to VPK and then to Kindergarten. I know it's inevitable but all of a sudden I missed her being small. I missed my friend's 3 year old. Where is the time going??? Why does it have to go so fast??
Congratulations to all the parents today that have taken their kids back to the first day of school. To the emotional, I know I'll be a damn mess, moms that too their babies to the first day of Kindergarten to the moms that are embarking on the final year of school before college. My hats off to you and my thanks for letting me be a small part in your journey into Back To School.
