3 oh 3....can it be??? Yep she's 3!!!!!!

I look at you and just can't believe my eyes....you are not the little baby that I held in my arms anymore.  You are now a little girl, a little princess and I couldn't be more happy to have you in my life.  You my dear bug have made my life so full of love and light!!!  You have inadvertently made me a much better person and I know I will just continue to learn from you!!

There are now words that can describe the feeling of finding out that I finally had a chance to be a mother.  In just a few short three years, we have had a ton of downs and even more ups than I could have ever possibly imagined.  You have been the best trooper in dealing with all of the changes and you just rolled with it!  You are such an amazing little girl, sometimes I think you are much more than your short three years.  I see such knowledge and soul in those big beautiful brown eyes of yours.  You are so much like your grandmother, she would be just over the moon with you bug!!!  

There is not many people you have not touched and who have not fallen in love with you.  You are truly a diamond in the rough!  You are my Hakuna Matata(this is for your uncle Jason!)  I know as each year goes by you will be come so much more and grow to really make a difference not only in your life but most definitely mine.  

I hope you had a wonderful birthday my heart!!!!  I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond!

A Humbling Time for Me

So it's Christmas time and the hustle and bustle are never at a snail's pace. Everyone is hunting, pecking and even running down others for that perfect gift for that perfect someone. There are also those who have a much harder time getting those perfect gifts for their perfect someone. This is the one thing I struggle with the most, especially now. I'm a mom. I never quite understood when my mother would give me that look for not being able to give me all I wanted each year for my birthday and Christmas.

Yes, being young we have no concept of money or finances or really anything. Normally if it could have been purchased, it was. There would be no reason that we, as children, would really know of the hardships our parents had to endure when it came to those special times of the year when for just a brief moment, we reigned! I have been having an internal battle within myself as each year passes along and my little one grows older. This year is going to be a lot of fun for her. But not so much for me. I know I have talked about this with a couple of people and the fact of the matter is that I am not ungrateful as your look says. I am beyond grateful and very humbled to have so many people out there wanting to help my little have the best day ever. I cannot even begin to thank you enough!!!! That being said, this next bit is even harder to say and probably just as hard or that much more difficult to read.

I will never be ungrateful, I will never feel I'm owed or my daughter is owed and I will never, ever expect the help that I've been given. I am and honestly feel truly blessed!! I just need for some to understand that though you are helping make the best day ever, it makes me feel more inferior by the year. I don't expect you to understand on first reading but take just a brief moment to try and understand where I'm coming from. I had a conversation with someone that I value their opinion as they have been good at helping me the balance in my very crazy and self-assisting mind. I feel that there are just certain things or events that the parent should do whatever it takes to make it a fantastic day. I don't ask what people get for my mini just to see or compare, I ask because I'm her mother and maybe, just maybe I wanted to give her that gift. Or that trip. Or that toy. The joy of seeing your child's face light up when you have given them the one or few things they have always wanted or have been a constant on their minds, it is better than anything in this world!!! In a sense, my one moment of glory is kinda snuffed out. That one moment where I can be more than just mom and dad, I'm the best person on the face of the planet!!!

I really don't know why it bothers me so much. Maybe it's my upbringing. My mother always taught me, if you can get it, get it. If you can't, you wait for another time. I don't want for those of you to think I don't want my daughter spoiled. I'm sure I will do my share, it's inevitable. What I'm saying is that I need those moments. It may be pathetic to you and that is perfectly fine for you to think so. Hell, I think so. But I need those moments.

So instead of looking at me like I've lost my damn mind and I am being ungrateful, take a moment, just a moment. Don't you want to shine too?

Despite this blabber, I do wish all of you and my amazing friends the most wonderful holiday season, a Merry Christmas, I hope your Chanukah was amazing, Happy Kwanza(no I really don't celebrate it because I really don't know what it means) and a very happy and healthy New Year!!!!

Oh How I Wish Time Would Slow Down

My little one just had her first "real" Thanksgiving last night.  We had an amazing spread and were with some truly amazing people!!!  While sitting there at the a rather long table, I looked all around at all the families that were there sharing with the great shift at the firestation.  It's not the first time that we've been to the station for a dinner but this year was a tad different.  

There is one of the family that will be leaving us soon, new members coming on board, the littles are getting bigger, smarter and funnier.  Little does my mini understand how important these gatherings are.  True to form, as soon as we got there, the entire station was pulled on a call.  We watched all our boys hope into action and the littles watched the trucks light up and drive off.  Some were thinking it was cool.  A couple didn't want their dads to go.  Mine, she watched her uncle go.

I'm realizing that as each year goes by and my mini is growing into the "too smart for her own good" way, I am wanting to try and have as much of the tradition that most families have.  It's kind of hard when you don't exactly have all the means necessary, but it's great that I do have some pretty special people in our lives that are willing to help me out a bit and also help contribute to our ever changing tradition of being family.  My tiny love bug is almost 3 but this was the first Thanksgiving where she had a pretty good idea of what was going on, sitting with family and being around a lot of love.  Every year will always be different.  I'm working on adding a little something with the norm to always make it special. 

Driving around the day after Thanksgiving at night and seeing some of the Christmas lights that are up was fun.  It's funny, she says that Christmas is her favorite, yet she truly has no idea just how much fun it really is.  Last year, she was scared to open any of her gifts!!  She thought we had lost out minds wanting her to make such a mess of the wrapping paper and packages that everything came in.  I know that this year, she's going to make such a mess....and I will be very happy to clean it up!!  She is one lucky kid.  My little has so many people that love her and just that makes for celebrating anything that more special.  I can't wait to have her wake up and see what I've gotten her, I know one set of grandparents are going to be pulling her in the house for the few bits they'll give her and then off to her favorite aunt and uncle's house to see her best friend/sister and make an even bigger mess!!!!  

I find it very interesting how my perception of the holidays keeps changing as she gets older.  If only I had my mom her to see and be apart of the memory making.  The good thing is that she is definitely not short on family!  As the tiny one grows and changes in her personality and her likes and dislikes, I'm seeing that she is a big holiday person. She loves to see all the decorations and it has actually inspired me to want to decorate our home.  I never really cared to do that and haven't in so long.  I am actually starting from zero and building.  With her.  So that when the time comes, I'll be able to gift her with the wonderful traditions that we have created.

The end of the year is not only the end and the start of renewal, but it's also a good time to take things a bit slower.  Every year I hear the same thing, "I can't believe how quick this year has gone by".  It's true.  Right now we have gotten through one of 3 holidays before the year starts all over again.  Normally, I'm very quick to end the year and move on to the next.  The past couple of years though, I really want them to slow down.  Time is racing by faster than I want that sometimes I feel that I can't keep up.  I'm sure a lot of us feel that way!!!

Take a moment.  Not just now during the end of the year, but as often as you can.  Time races by faster than we want, change is always upon us and we are never prepared for what life throws our way.  Take a moment.  Breath and slow down and truly enjoy the company of not just your loved ones but those who add to your life and the life of those around you.  You are never guaranteed the whole day or even a whole hour.  Live, cherish, love, and slow down.

A Preview of You...Boy How Right I Was!!!

I was going through some old files and file holders and came across some rather interesting items.  I finally found my copy of my birth certificate(thank God!), some cards and correspondence that still holds meaning for me and then the one thing I had completely forgot about.  My letter to you, my crazy, kooky little one. 

I had signed up for a mommy-to-be yoga class and I really should have done more but with I really wasn't able to.  I truly enjoyed the class and even though I was given a small sprout to grow, as you were growing, I unfortunately am not a green thumb like your grandmother and great-grandmother!  In the class, we did lots of poses to help keep us limber and flexible for the upcoming entry of our lovely little bundles of joy!  Also we did some guided meditations which is where the letter comes into play.  Re-reading this brought a smile to my face and brought me back to this very day.  Here's what it said:

What I wish for you is to be strong in mind and spirit.  Take car of you before you take care of anyone else.  Be loving and kind.  Never let those get the best of you.  I want you to be adventurous and curious to learn as much as you can.  I want you to never want for any love, support, nurturing nor care.  You are to know that you are loved and you are wanted.  Stay positive and anything you want will come to you.  It won't be easy but you will not be alone.  I will be with you every step of the way.  I want you to know I feel blessed to have been gifted you.  I love you.  Always and a day.

Then we were asked to list a couple of things that I would hope that you would be born with.  Boy, did I ever hit it on the head!!:  

I want you to be feisty, strong-willed, well-mannered and most of all....your own person.

It really is kind of neat to see how much of something that you just think of actually comes to light once you were born and started growing up.  I do hope that you continue to be feisty, within a measure of your mother's sanity; strong-willed, but also understanding when you need to back down and compromise; well-mannered, you are always a pleasure to be around and I know you will grown into a lovely young lady; and most of all....for you to be your own person.  I wish this most of all and I do hope that over time, you are able to conquer any setbacks or possible persuasion that you will come across in life.  It matters not what others think of you.  It only matters what and how you think and carry yourself.  If you can remember that, then you will have conquered half of what life is.

This is not the life I mapped out...but it's good!!!!

This little girl is my sanity as young as she is, she knows this very well! Yesterday I was venting to one of my best friends and what does this cheeky little monkey do? She covers my mouth and says....shhhh! Can you believe it??? My kid told me to hush!!! Sadly, she was right. Even though I was just venting and needing to talk to someone about what has been bothering me, she knew there was a point that I needed to stop. This kid gets me even when I don't get myself LOL!!!!

I don't think, we as parents, give enough credit where credit is due when it comes to our children. They may not be able to express exactly what they really mean but what they are try to convey seems to come across quite loud and clear! 

Our children hear what we say, even when we don't want them to hear; they see what is in front of them and they feel what we feel even as we try to protect them. Many times in life we have a game plan and 9 times out of 10 it gets blown through the water. Or maybe that's just my luck LOL So we as parents just pick ourselves up, dust off and come up with a new game plan to keep going forward. I've learned that with kids, there is no time to stop, complain, get mad, stomp around and not deal with it. You have to keep going forward no matter what! All of us as parents have a plan, or some idea of what we are trying to accomplish, set out in front of us. For most, it works the way we want. For others, not so much and that is where you have to kick it up a notch and chug even harder forward. You can't stop, it's not an option.

One of the things that I have learned from having my daughter is that there is never, ever a guarantee that life will be okay. It will be a ton of ups and downs, sideways and twists and turns. I thought I was emotional enough on my own, but you add someone that looks to me as if the sun rises and sets in me and that's a lot of damn pressure that I really wasn't prepared for. But I have no choice, I have to be prepared and try not to let her down. Now here is the the really crappy time for parents. Feeling as if you let your kid(s) down because of life changing all the time. I have learned, even before I had mine, that kids are resilient. More resilient than we give them credit for. Just because they haven't reached all of life's lessons at the time they start teaching us lessons, does not mean we shouldn't take direction from them. We never want our kids to suffer for anything but sometimes you have to take a step back, regroup, refocus and move forward. The key here is keep moving forward and never stop. They depend on us!!

When life throws whatever proverbial fruit in your direction, remember.....don't duck! Catch the fruit, get your kid(s), talk about the changes that are happening and make some fruit juice!!!! And maybe add a touch of tolerant liquid just to make it a tad smoother for you!!!

Growing up so fast.....SLOW DOWN!!!!!

How did this happen so quickly to me??? One minute I'm minding my own business...well....sort of....and the next BAM!!!!!! My life gets turned upside down and inside out!!! It's amazing what a little person can do!

You. You were such an amazing surprise and truly a blessing to me. Not only did you fill my heart and life with so much, but you have just spread the love and happiness you have to anyone you meet. You were so tiny and squeaky and you terrified me to no end! I have placed the panic calls to those where were available to calm me down and reassure me that I wouldn't hurt or break you and that the crying, from both of us, is normal. But then this happened....

You started growing up too much right before our eyes!!! My little bug you have become such a delight to have around and to be around, despite your moments of cranky-pants! Who couldn't love you as much as I do? Those eyes of yours have such stories to tell. You my pukin pie have such an old soul to you. I know you would get so irritated with me when I would constantly kiss on you, squeeze you and just love on you to no end! But how can I not? You are just so delicious!!!!! Which brings us to this.......

Look at you know!!! My growing little girl!!! I can't believe how much personality you have and how much you are just like me and how much that just drives me nuts!!!!! You are truly my heart, I still can't believe that I'm your mommy!!! I love you my precious little turkey face, my little pumpkin pie!!! I couldn't be more proud of you and I am such a lucky mommy to have you in my life!!! 

I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond!!!!

Do Not Fault on the Training!!!

It has reached that time in your sweet little life.....the time to become a big girl and use the potty!!!  YAY!!!! No more diapers, no more soggy hiney, no more crinkly sounds when you walk or run!!  Soon we'll be able to buy those cute little character panties that you keep pointing at when we are in the store!!  Oh that will be such a happy day for mommy!!!!!!  The money that I will save alone will help out tremendously as you continue to grow and grow.  I'll be able to get you a lot of the outfits and jammies that you want and that I would love to see you in.  It will be  a great time in our lives!!!

Little did I know that you seem to like peeing in your diaper and now the traded off pull-ups.  Not what I was hoping.  You always followed me or whomever to the bathroom like it was the great excursion!!  Didn't need to be watched, I can potty all by myself.  I know it's an amazing feat but it's one that you my dear need to grasp.  And rather sooner than later.  So by the advice of previous potty trainers we have begun with the whole "let me know when you have to go", which you never do and the "timing of the potty" which you don't like and feel rushed.  This whole section of toddler life is a bit trying for the mommy.

I know I need to be patient but I love it when you get excited because you actually pee peed in the potty and then I get excited and we high five and everyone is excited!!!!!  Yes your mom is very cheesy!  Just you wait until you get older, you are in for a very rude and extremely cheesy awakening ;)

Here's to the next few months of training.  Wish us luck!!!!